Why your patients prefer the latest vaccine “expert”

Are you an honest doctor who can't understand why your patients prefer the latest vaccine "expert"? We at Hoaxlines took that question and scienced it up in some science lab. We can now reveal the techniques a failed-rapper-turned-vaccine "expert" uses to appear credible.

To start, you need an unrelated AND failed career before medicine. I know you were probably at the top of your class and never gave up on anything - but this is for the kids, OK? The vaccine wizard over in Dunning-Krueger land is a failed rapper with the stage name "Fokiss."

I know. You must compete. Nothing says entrust me with your child's health like having a failed rap career. But, THEN, on top of that, misspelling focus, though? Genius.

Next up, docs: what you're about to do is probably illegal and could be criminal. But that's what parents want in their vaccine experts these days. You're going to need to be flexible. And try to sell them a whole bunch of crap.

Sell at least 10 unrelated products with limited-time offers that use YOUR NAME as the promo code. This will associate you with great tidings in their minds. Anything less, and they may seriously question if you care about their kids at all. Observe the master.

First thing a patient sees in the waiting room of your office has to be *bananas*: GET YOUR FREE WEALTH PROTECTION KIT. America is under attack! This will put their minds at ease. Show them you don't mess around with the apocalypse and get vanity digits so they know you're legit.

For the next off use a seasonally appropriate sale, like "BLACK FRIDAY SPECIAL! 25% Off EVERYTHING!" Sell whatever you can find on Craigslist. If you went through a breakup recently, sell his/her stuff. Don't wash it. Say it has healing microbes in it.

The next product is...honestly, I'm not sure. But it sounds like stimulants without side effects. That seems safe. To be like Fokiss you need to have your name be the discount code and then you got to hook your patients up with...whatever this stuff is.

Is it laced with heavy metals? No one knows--but who cares! Nothing says world-class care like selling pills called #NoBadDays for $700 after revealing a massive depopulation conspiracy that somehow all the sane people on earth didn't get the memo about.

Use unexpected statements to keep people on their toes: "The government is watching." "There's no gold behind our money." It'll make them think... and maybe question everything they know. This is how modern healthcare providers make patients feel safe.

Carry some normal supplements like magnesium or vit C. When you look in their ears with the otoscope, whisper-yell "DO YOU WANT TO NEVER DIE?! THEN THIS IS FOR YOU!" Do this to appear credible and serious. Hook them up with free shipping for what looks like dog food for humans.

Fokiss really does it all for his patients. You will have to compete. Offer to also treat their dog for half off because dogs have people souls. People remember when you go the extra mile.

Patients want a doctor who is open-minded and willing to explore all options - even if it's off the wall. So go ahead and warn them about chemtrails, leaky syndrome, etc. They'll be impressed by your knowledge AND appreciate that you have a "cure"!

Use words like "Keto, Paleo, and ALL NATURAL" (and any other popular diet fad) - speak as if some of your words are RANDOMLY in caps. Fokiss has paved the way; he realized patients respond well to random capitalization.

You have to tell them you're spontaneous and don't abide by anyone's rules, especially not the fed's! If you follow this formula to the letter, you will finally gain your patient's trust.

You're not as trustworthy as Fokiss until you give them made-up advice using a video you made in your mom's basement, diagnose them with double leaky syndrome, and "cure" it with sheep dewormer, which will work because it was never real.

Use stills from the X files to make your promo posters. I got an anonymous DM from Q, and he says that's how Fokiss makes his cover art.

Your years of medical study and experience can now be put to work saving children from polio... but unfortunately, you may also end up in prison. Everything I just listed is possibly illegal and definitely unethical.

If/when that happens, you should scream, "I know too much! It's THEM!!!! They don't want the truth to get out!!!" as they haul you away. When you get out of prison in a couple of years, you will definitely have one loyal patient waiting for you.

This was originally published as a Twitter thread via Typefully.